Ray's Hell Burger

Location: 1713 Wilson Bvd, Arlington, VA

I have eaten yet another incredible burger, this time at Ray's Hell Burger, located in Arlington, just across the historic Potomac River. It was along this river that many settlements were founded by the British when America was the 'New World' waiting to be explored. Or exploited, depending on which way you look at it. Little evidence of history here now though - just the drone-numbing hum-drum of office workers, ties and briefcases and the same shops that you find decimating any developed city in the world. Very high on efficiency, but exceedingly low on charm. Thank God the workers have some relief at lunch time. Rather than going for the "low-carb, low-fat, low-taste" option, when I visited Ray's there was a pleasingly long queue of customers clutching minutes from meetings, spreadsheets, statistics and a Ray's burger menu printed on a single side of A4. Guess which was getting more attention. That was charming, as was the six year old boy to my left who was trying to get his chops around a burger that, I kid you not, was bigger than his head. I christened the contest "Child vs Burger", Round One: Pickles. He provided me with much entertainment.

Then my burger arrived and I became decidedly un-smug. It was absolutely ridiculous. It was immense, and the contest took a nasty turn in which "Child vs Burger" became "Edward vs the Behemoth", a challenge in which I faced odds as insurmountable as a man facing a Himalayan trek equipped with only a pair of flip-flops and a ham sandwich. The six year old was now pointing and giggling, as was his mother - creasing over with laughter whilst trying to stop her cognac sauteed mushrooms from disappearing down her cleavage. Then as I tried to pick up the burger Sean, my eating companion, did that thing where you laugh and drink at the same time, resulting in liquid hurtling out of your nostrils. I dropped the meat and the size of it caused the tables to wobble, the pictures to rattle on the walls and the lights to flicker in an alarming 'end of the world' fashion.

And to think that I'd ordered the seemingly harmless "Soul Burger Number One" which is comprised of ten ounce beef pattie, smoked bacon, Swiss cheese, cognac sauteed mushrooms (not the ones down the cleavage) and grilled red onions, all encased in a toasted brioche bun. I started to think that perhaps I'd asked for something else entirely (this seems to happen frequently in America - divided by a common language), but all the requisite parts suggested it was indeed a "Soul Burger". It could have been worse, I thought as I slipped on the first step of the Himalayas in my flip-flops - I could have ordered the "Burger of Seville" that included seared Foie Gras, cognac sauteed mushrooms, Bordelaise sauce and truffle oil.

Thankfully, the first bite cured all. I'm not sure how they do it, but burgers in America are almost universally juicy and flavoursome. This was seasoned perfectly to bring out the taste of the beef, and amazingly, I just kept on eating. Somehow, and this is all the more bizarre considering that there was a Brioche bun involved, the whole thing was actually light, in that, I could have eaten another one. Then, and this is something I've never experienced before, I got burger drunk - Sean and I simply ate and ate without saying a word to one another. I actually felt giddy, and memories of drinking cheap cider in the park circa 1995 came flooding back to me. Six year old boy had his chin on his chest for the duration to which I triumphantly grinned at him. So as you can gather, Ray's is certainly worth visiting, if only to try and get burger drunk as I managed to. There are a myriad of options available, from plain old cheese and ketchup to roasted bone marrow with persillade. But make sure you take a friend. You may need him to carry you home. Staggering. Shouting "I luuuuurve you...", like a good friday night at the local.